I was alone – but I was not on my own, I was lost – yet I recognised I was supposed to be here, I was scared – however I felt brave within, I was whole – nonetheless I was searching for something even then, I knew things – only the answers were not directly in front of me. So much did not make sense, there was a lot I would need to discover, I was four years old & I knew I had a long way to go.

This is not an account of everything that has taken place, instead I have chosen to excerpt a few instances among the many to capture the essence of what occurred, so for now snippets will suffice. Equally this is not an explanation of all things metaphysical ~ that remains on-going… for everyone. This is however the most fitting explanation I can give for how the spiritual, esoteric, enigmatic (call it what you will as it has many names, forms & labels) has accompanied me throughout my life, how it came to be shut down twice, firstly fading away & secondly through my own conscious discontinuing only to reactivate years later with unexpected swiftness thanks to my birth-father Terry ~ altering the course of my life & becoming an integral part of my ‘Intrinsic Achievement’ body of work.

To understand quantum mechanics through to the far reaches of the metaphysical world is to understand the all & the nothing, from the smallest immeasurable nanoparticle to the largest most expansive multiverse & every potential configuration that can exist in-between. This is no easy feat! But this is ultimately your job, to find your connection to it all & understand your part within the here & now, where we find ourselves individually & as a collective to unravel the puzzle & essentially move ourselves out of this maze, from the desperate place many have arrived at.

This is written with additional notes in bold  to help provide or clarify further information regarding a point I am making. When I am recalling a download I have used italics to capture what was expressed & conveyed in that moment. The messages & information I’ve received over the years have been vast & varied. So much has come through that I took to writing it down almost daily for the past 7 years. Unfortunately I can not cover it all here, so a linear account of my main nexus points is what you will find as you read on. Please note this is not a quick read, it may take around 30 mins & should be read from start to finish in one go. It is specifically designed to paint a picture explaining how my metaphysical skills are embedded within everyday life, so you can make sense of yours.

1976 – 2013

My first clear & conscious memory involving familiarity from another lifetime came when I was around 4-5 years old. This is when I felt information come through at a cellular level. It was instinctive – a healer’s instinct. In 1980 we had moved from NZ to Washington DC. At times a family member suffered from migraines rendering them vomiting, straight to bed, curtains closed, lights out in the middle of the day. Although I would fetch & apply a cold pressed face cloth I would also run my hands lightly over their forehead to the top of their hairline right where the most splitting pain was occurring, I could sense where it was coming from, which side of their head as it felt similar to a magnetic pull. I didn’t mind doing this for a short period of time as it felt normal, especially for a family member, but in the very literal sense this was not the family I was initially born into. I had been left at a hospital given up for adoption only 4 days old & taken ‘home’ when I was 2 weeks by my new family. Growing up I was told of my adoption, that my birthparents were young & not in a position to keep me. The full force of the law stated I wasn’t to know any details until my 20th birthday. Although forever grateful I was told this early on it was still a heavy load to carry. To cope I developed various mechanisms; some good – I learnt how to remain silently patient for two decades developing extreme self-restraint & learnt what ‘biding my time’ meant & the value of it. Some methods were not so good – chiefly the tendency to block emotions, push down all frustrations & not speak my mind, this was the only way I knew I could cope with the 20 year wait.

Alongside my natural inclination to help & heal things at a young age I had moments of strong inner knowing (Claircognizance). My earliest memory of this was sitting next to a girl at kindergarten age 5 (your first year at school in the States is called Kindergarten) when I stated that I would “break my arm over the weekend”. I didn’t know how but I felt sure this was going to happen, that I would return on Monday with my arm in plaster. That weekend playing superman with my brother as the babysitter arrived I flew out of the lounge & landed on the flag-stoned entrance. Yes it was painful with a wrist break & plaster up to my shoulder but I also found it somewhat amusing I had known this would eventuate so soon. In addition were crystal clear visions (Clairvoyance). When I was about 6 years a little hermit crab came home from school when we were to travel just as it was due to move shells. During a discussion surrounding the best shells to use I ‘saw’ what seemed like a photograph in my mind, a snapshot showing the hermit crab lying on the sand near the shells, dead, accompanied with this picture was the message that when we returned this is what I would see. I did not want to verbalise this or tell anyone that we needed to get a greater range of shells as back then I had no ability to reference the images I saw. I do recall feeling terrible in the pit of my stomach that I wasn’t doing all I could to help it. As I expected we returned from holiday to find it fully out of its shell & halfway across the container in the open ground, dead in the exact scene I had already viewed. Another vivid time was jumping in the car with our family friends, as we drove off I ‘saw’ water flowing out their second story floor pouring down over their garage. No this was not actually happening physically at that time, it was playing out on a screen in my head. What was amazing for me was arriving back a few hours later to see actual water dripping down through their garage door from a flood in their kitchen. By this stage I knew I could see clearly inside my head while my eyes were open, it’s a strange sensation to hold both your outside vision & concentrate on watching your inside visuals at the same time (can be rather draining & takes practice to hold & maintain your focus).

I spent a lot of time in my own company even while in the presence of others. I had an innate feeling of fear from the minute I could talk. I feared getting lost & would panic easily, I had a constant fear of bridges falling down & tunnels crumbling. What I had was a foreboding sense of devastation, either I had seen & experienced it in another lifetime or felt I was going to go through it in this one. I grew to be fine in my own company never craving other people for conversation, distraction or entertainment – although I did cherish my friends & loved their company with many exploits under our belts.

I was taking in so much around me as we travelled so far, most of my experiences were amazing, The one thing I wanted though was not a material item, it was to find and reunite with my birthparents. I did not want to wait the tortuous years under a system which I personally never agreed to. I felt a tight sensation of control around me where adults had all made decisions on my behalf & I had no voice. It was a legal constraint.

More than (Claircognizance) or (Clairvoyance) was the ability to receive (Downloads) although I did not know this was the term used in today’s language – all I felt was a lot information coming in all at once in the form of an info dump that would arrive within a split second but to unravel could take a few minutes. The first & perhaps most far-reaching time occurred as we travelled through South Dakota Bad Lands National Park, The Black Hills & Yellowstone region. I recall it so distinctly, the landscape, time of day, temperature & atmosphere. It was dusk, humid & still. We had pulled in to fill up with gas. I had scrambled up one of the eroded buttes (hills to me then). I climbed just a few meters up & I sat on the dirt of one of the escarpments looking out towards one of the largest & protected prairie grass regions. (The closet description in terms of anything like this in NZ has been the fine pumice soil of Taupo, except instead of a white/grey this colour was red, orange, ochre). The message that came through was surprisingly non-emotive (neutral in tone) & simple. “I was not on my own, even though I felt it inside at times. In moments of future distress, anguish or lasting unhappiness I was to feel this energy signature of the land & elements that I was absorbing right now. Wherever I was in the future pulling in this energy would assist. It was conveyed this feeling was vital & would carry & sustain me when needed. It was imperative not to forget this.” And that was it. This is not solely a voice that I heard (I was already very familiar with my own inner dialogue) it is more than that. A download comes upwards from the ground, downwards from above, moves from within your core outwards to be met with surrounding energy coming in. It’s an all-encompassing permeation.

I knew this was old Cowboy & Indian territory but I only discovered in my very late 30’s this very region of South Dakota, NE Wyoming & SE Montana which we were travelling through constituted the sacred landscape of the Lakota people who were part of the Sioux Nation. This land held extraordinary spiritual significance for many reasons, but most poignant for me all these years later was to find out young ‘Indian Braves’ would also travel through on their vision quests. I never kept from voicing my interest & connection towards Native Indian people & culture. Even while there at age 7/8 I would talk of coming back to ‘help them’.

In contrast to this I never mentioned to anyone that I felt this reality didn’t feel ‘quite right’. I often wanted to scratch the surface, dig down & see what was really going on, I felt many things were hidden just out of sight, just out of reach, although back then I didn’t actually know what these ‘things’ were. I didn’t have the language to express this even though I understood the concept. I sensed a feeling of urgency within my gut & was heartbroken when it was time to leave the States. In my mind I was leaving so much unfinished.

We returned to NZ in 1985 at age 8 & life was an adjustment for me, I had become accustomed to central heating, constant travel, quality apparel & amazing selection of ‘everything’ in the States. I was down in the dumps, disliking this new environment where everything felt so much less than what I had & my behaviour started to reflect this – emotionally eating & experiencing grumpy moods, this was not my natural state. In hindsight from what I now know I was shutting myself down & exiting my body. In times of on-going sadness, confusion, trauma etc part of your soul can slowly exit your physical body. This acts to reduce the feeling or sensations you would otherwise experience. Often termed disassociating from an event by the medical fraternity it is in fact a natural protective measure that a human will default to. The concern in a metaphysical sense is if there is too much splitting of a soul then attachments or entities can try to take up residence. A great deal of care is needed. Thank goodness this was not the level I was experiencing – I was simply checking out from surroundings & people that I did not like.

A few years later aged 12 we sold up & moved half an hour north. I was further from my friends & didn’t know anyone out here. I spent my weekends drawing & listening to music in a time where I wasn’t happy within myself. A letter arrived from the Department of Social Welfare while I was not in a good space & was requesting news &/or photos from my birthparents of their daughter Haeleigh. I found out during this time my original name was Haeleigh Anne. Through the rather brief correspondence via Social Welfare I was told my birthparents had married & had two more children 10 & 12 years after me. I was pleased they had remained together & were a family, We sent some photos but I was deemed too young to write back myself.

Shortly after this I started College, began smoking which alleviated the emotions I was feeling, lost weight & snuck out every chance I had to find my escape within the party atmosphere of the early 90’s. For me it wasn’t the alcohol or drugs, although they were around I knew to keep away from any paraphernalia once I learned my lesson, instead what I was doing was losing myself amongst boys.  This is a dangerous place to be in when young, carrying deep seated frustration & aggrieved sensitivities.  So began a rebellious stage. To my surprise however I was to receive another unexpected download which was again extremely timely.  I was 15 & already becoming tired of this ‘party lifestyle’, watching people all out for themselves whilst still struggling internally with the control I felt my parents held over me. I was out celebrating my 15th birthday with a small group at a park late at night drinking beer & simply wasting time. Suddenly within a split second I was being shown & told where this road I was heading down would lead & it wasn’t a pretty sight. This was not the scene to continue in. I was to cut ties & get away from these people & this lifestyle briskly.  That was it. I immediately altered my after-school routine of catching the train home & hanging around with my party ‘friends’ instead choosing to walk up through Wellington City to my mums work & catch a ride home from there. After a couple of afternoons waiting in her office for 5pm to roll around so we could leave I was offered an afterschool job within her section at NZQA (New Zealand Qualifications Authority) where I began to learn entry level office administration skills on a very high pay rate for the time. {The rationale behind these next few paragraphs is not to reminisce my College or University years – rather it is two-fold; the first is to recount the three years when I experienced my initial incident of accelerated exponential personal growth from age 15-18. The second is to note when I noticed subtle debatable behaviour under the pretence of spiritualism that I was to encounter again years later as an adult – areas which would form the central mainstay of my Intrinsic Achievement work.} Early on during a family trip away we pulled into Taupo & I popped into a bookstore where I straight away pulled one book from the shelf amongst many. Set in the Mesa Verde it was about an Anasazi cliff dwelling girl (Ancestral Pueblo people). As I turned the book over knowing I was going to purchase it I had another clear download. I was having flashes of what seemed like seeing myself once fit, lithe, nimble & completely alive in every sense of the word. I could feel the texture of the cliffs & the sensation of climbing up & walking along the narrow paths. I could hear the clinking of the pottery that stored the items (Clairaudience) & I was holding pieces of turquoise for decorations & trade. I had never been a runner (smoking certainly didn’t help my fitness) but I suddenly had the urge to learn how to run frequently & long distance. Within days I started to run, this is not as it is in 2020, back then I grabbed whatever sandshoes I had available & wore any t-shirt around = far from the posing active wear of today. Becoming fit suddenly provided the healthy outlet that I had never had for the gradual releasing of all the pent-up emotions that I had ‘successfully’ kept buried down. When I was running (once I developed my own natural cadence) I realised this was the very same energy & feeling I had when sitting on the eroded hills in South Dakota. This dramatically opened an interest in all things holistically based, connected to nature, wholesome & invigorating. I began to run towards life again, rapidly increasing the distance I could go on my daily runs & expanding my outdoor interest into mountain biking, sea kayaking & tramping. I was earning good money in my daily afterschool & holiday job & found another curiosity & interest towards the range of beautiful foods that were beginning to be imported into the Wellington (& nationwide) food & café scene. Terms that I had never heard of before such as; naturopathy, homeopathy, herbalist began to light me up. This was the early 90’s & in many respects it was being a for-runner to today’s ultra-uber healthy lifestylers, only back then there was no social media driving people. For me it was the taste of freedom I had craved for & found in the simplicity of the outdoors mixed with hearty foods. I was coming back into myself as others my age were just entering difficult late teenage years. This did bring in crucial experiences & a big ensuing download which I would re-examine & incorporate within my work all these year later. It was to be a big lesson & reminder of why I am grateful to these early years although hard at the time when I began to see through people’s facades. I was meeting people who were looking & sounding like the commonly accepted part of what was coined then as the New Age community, but I was detecting a separating out of those who were authentic & genuine with those who were essentially playing dress up & using others for their own gain. I saw ego-centric behaviour, pretence with ‘reaching an enlightened state’ as a one-up-manship competition, I saw envy, jealousy & escapism. To my surprise many were partaking in external substances to get a high (I had thought this was limited to the party scene). I will never reconcile the use of drugs to act as a gateway to dimensions, it is a mistake to think these go together, foolishly opening doors to attachments as your channel or connection is not a pure one. The enveloping download here was to always remain myself & be self-guided & self-referenced, not to follow anyone else’s teachings no matter what they claimed they could do, not to be pulled into groups e.g. guided meditations, running off to retreats or following some guru. If this is what people think spirituality/being spiritual or spiritualism is all about then to steer clear of it. I found it easy to keep more & more to myself, selecting instead to focus on the outdoors & my growing capabilities there rather than tolerating an uncomfortable feeling. Although we are taught not to judge people which is 100% correct = do not judge on anything superficial e.g. skin tone, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, economic status etc. this all goes without saying. HOWEVER, it is so important to defiantly use your judgement on an energetic vibrational frequency especially if you are moving within the ‘Love n Light’ spiritual communities. I will never apologise for having to raise the issue of knowing how to identify negative energy. As a nice surprise I was discovering that I could hold my own clear stream of energy with the assistance of nature & my own personal actions without needing to compare, compete or convince others of my ‘spiritual-ness’ which is why to this day I do not purposefully adorn myself with all the usual expected materialistic items often associated with people who make a living in this area. I didn’t need to dress a certain way or take up yoga or visit India or Egypt just to reinforce that I was able to connect into higher levels of awareness. Many people are conditioned to think wearing a particular item or owning masses of crystals denotes certain abilities.

By this stage I had turned my body into peak fitness, stabilising & raising my emotional field & my mind was growing sharp. I took my running gear to school & ran every lunchtime down through Parliament & up to the Botanical Gardens, along Tinakori Road returning to school for a shower. A PE teacher saw me & asked what I was training for. I replied “nothing – I just love the sensation I feel during & after a run”. She immediately suggested I put my name down on a summer holiday 15-day endurance challenge to cross the North Island under my own steam (there were about 7 of us) tramping, kayaking, Mt biking, horse riding. I did it & while halfway through this remarkable trip I stopped to drink water & a gust of wind blew in another message. I was on the Gentle Annie Napier-Taihape dirt road in the middle of nowhere taking a well-earned breather. The message was clear. My lifestyle had become dramatically healthier (pat on the back) but the future would require me to be standing on my own two feet. I had come along way, but there was still a long way to go. I was not to become dependent on anyone, nor use a ‘state of attractiveness’ as a way of getting what I wanted in life as some would resort to doing. Instead I was to carve out my own career to be fully independent. I was shown teaching as a qualification that would enable me to ‘help’ people. I was shown the path to University (where I nearly started choking on my water!). I had demonstrated to myself through my fitness ability that I had tenacity & stamina. I was now to develop a thing called ‘fortitude’! This meant going back to school for my final year & to do my schoolwork. Now was the time to sort my academic life out.  This perhaps would have been fine & easy had I actually been doing any school work but that had never been a focus of mine, although I was fit & healthy I was interested in everything outside of school & only went to do my lunchtime run rather than any class work. I was shown that although it would take absolute discipline & commitment to my studies, I did hold the cards to make it happen & succeed at school. So began the most incredible year of my life (up until then) ~Determined To Achieve~ captures my methodology & the twists & turns that formed such an astounding year – beginning with me pleading to past teachers to accept me in their academic courses to ultimately walking away with unfathomable results, where my parents celebrated along with me, culminating in tears of joy from all of us. I was now more than ready to step out on my own, taking a major leap to University towards becoming a teacher.

For 3 years from 15 to 18 years old I accomplished more than I had dreamed; summiting mountains, working effectively in a part-time job at NZQA & gaining direct entry into any University course as an A Bursary’s gave priority admittance. When I was filling in my entrance form to study Geography in the hopes of teaching it I received another download. This was an instruction that was very direct.  I needed to ensure I did a Science degree – Geography spanned both physical & cultural elements so I could major in it under Science or Arts. Although Arts would be easier it was imperative, essential in fact for my future to have a Science degree under my belt. In the future I would look back & be glad I had selected that path, even though now it was the daunting option. I would never regret it if I made it through.

Six months into Uni having completed my first semester, I heard the whisperings of another download. I was used to an intense workload having essentially completed 5 years in 1 with my final year at College, but I was now a full-time student working part-time jobs weeknights, weekends & mixing with many people who were more mainstream, competitive & ambitious than I was. This time the tidings were If I was going to complete my degree I would need to ‘shut down’ my connection to fully concentrate on my studies with zero distractions. I would be moving more into the conformist scientific field. There was going to be no time or space for me to pursue my more lofty or sublime connection to Earth & the intentional closing down was the only way I would get through & gain all the relevant qualifications I would need for the future. The ‘alternative lifestyle’ route at that time wouldn’t help me gain actual credentials. To do both would stretch myself too thin & this was not the time to be carefree = I was on a mission & I had work to do. This was the first major cross-roads I had come to. I’ve since learned that the purposeful closing down of spiritual gifts can be for your own protection – the timing may not be right to cope with what is arising & guarding against blowing you open is vital.

My 2nd year at Uni was a big one, I turned 20 = finally the magical legal age which allowed me to know about myself & contact my birthparents.  This was not as straightforward or painless as I had imagined, suffice to say that suddenly facing a broken family as I was immediately informed of their divorce that had occurred years earlier was not something I was equipped for. It had never entered my mind that the dynamics of my birth family might not remain static over the intervening years. I cut my long-awaited reunion short, it was to be a two week visit to North Queensland but I left 3 days earlier than planned. My parents had flown over with me as support if needed & picked me up, taking me home. This affected me deeply as I had not done anything wrong. The unfortunate ramifications of having just been warned about my birthfather coupled with my own confusion with how difficult it had been on an unspoken level around my birth mum convinced me to do it differently when meeting my birthfather as I didn’t think my heart could take another disappointment.  My own mum was genuinely saddened on my behalf knowing that I hadn’t found what I had waited 20 years for & she actually understood why it was important for me to wait before I met with my biological dad. I put myself through a three-week Outward-Bound summer course for an injection of adventure before entering my 3rd Year at Uni. This was a big one & the jump in academic knowledge was immense in a Science Degree. With my final semester to go I had lost motivation in my degree & was ready to leave it, the pressure was tiring. But it was also 21st birthday season & so I walked into a room, took one look in Kirk’s direction & was told this is the man you will marry without saying a word to him the entire evening. This strong man with the tender heart became my best friend. He met me when I was tired of Uni & I didn’t know if I would or could make it through. I was running out of daylight hours to go for my runs due to full-time study & holding down a number of part-time jobs, self-doubt was creeping through my academic work for the first time since I had gained my A Bursary & I was starting to put weight back on. Although he didn’t help me with my academic work, he was very caring having a similar temperament to mine, not to mention a mutual attraction & a shared interest in many things. I did complete my final papers & together we set out on the road to adulthood. Little did we know we were about to face the most trying years. It was best not to know what we were in for (events are often blocked for a reason) if I had known what was ahead, I would have convinced myself I couldn’t do it, that I wouldn’t make it. Kirk & I were equals at the same stage/place in life, taking on the growing responsibilities of adulthood together. I had my first year away from home moving down to Christchurch to train as a teacher. That was the year I really learnt how to budget, live with 2 other girls I didn’t know in an old villa & learn Education pedagogy & politics to qualify as a Secondary School Teacher. After a year I returned to Wellington & moved up to Horowhenua to take up my position as a Geography teacher under the incredible guardianship of two Heads of Department. I found a beautiful bed & breakfast that had been converted into a rental on a 14 acre property which I moved into straight away & soaked up the time & space watching the seasons unfold with fantastic neighbours who owned of the land, teaching in a wonderful college under a system that was not yet broken. These are 2.5 years that although busy with work as a new teacher, will remain as the golden age of a sector that is now crippled. While living on this lifestyle property on the outskirts of Levin I was to receive 2 phone calls followed by 1 more when I moved back to Wellington that would also impact me forever. It was a pre-arranged call from my birthfather Terry. I was so excited to take the call I was shaking. We talked for over an hour, filling each other in with where life had taken us. It was his voice that was captivating for me as he spoke so well in such a beautiful baritone. Upon putting down the phone I was compelled to place his voice in my memory bank, the reason for this would make sense years later. The second key phone call was on the morning of Sept 11 2001 with the phone ringing to say “America is being bombed!” I immediately shot out of bed thinking I was going to see what I had long ago viewed in my head. Although distressing to watch - this was not what I had already ‘seen’ which was a vastly larger event affecting America’s East Coast, moving inland to ultimately hitting the West Coast. Immediately after Sept. 11 like many other people we started to take more risks making decisions from our hearts & no longer just our logical mind or the expected way of thinking. I resigned to move back to Wellington specifically to have a go living with Kirk & to continue teaching for the sector had not come off its hinges just yet. We set up home together & became busy with work & saving money to eventually buy a house. The phone rang, I was answering the third significant phone call. I had wanted to catch up with my birthfather, but I had stacked on 20 kilos (from 60kg-80kg) & due to my pride, this was not the way I wanted to meet him for the first time. The message that came down the phone was “Your dad is dead”.  He was only 48 & I had run out of time. I didn’t cry, instead I felt numb & understood then why I had always felt that time was against me although I had not known why. We read the death notice in the paper highlighting that he was a very much-loved son, favourite brother (from a family of six siblings) & special uncle.

Running out of time sparked something in me. We bought a house & took on a mortgage, I realised things were now or never. I had piled on weight during my first few years as a teacher eating to fuel the workload & time demands so I returned to what I knew best & went running again. I wasn’t to know that this was to be a relatively small window of only a few years before I had kids. I ran long distance this time. I began to process & release again & I quickly shed my excess luggage. I found a long distance route of 22 kms enabling me to experience rhythm, mind elevation when you break through the wall, overcoming pain thresholds & reaching a state of zoning out yet being fully focused with piercing precision at the same time – once again pulling through the energy of the Lakota lands. Life was on the up, we married, Sam & Drew were quickly on their way. However with financial commitments from a young family I quickly took on full-time work becoming an over-extended mum, wife (with a fireman husband working shifts) often leaving me with 2 small children to fit around a job that was becoming harder not easier year by year. A combination of bullying & backstabbing was all directed my way from both my extended family & within the workplace. Because I did not conduct myself this way & it can be so subversive it took a while to register that this was really happening, although I felt the impact of it long before I realised, I needed to stop it. ~Where To Now~ covers this time & the effective decisions I made. I was good at holding down the fort & meeting the needs of everyone & everything to keep things in order, however, to achieve this took everything I had to give & inside I was dying. In the summer of 2013 (Jan) 7 years after I had become a working-mum I had finally been pushed to my limits by my extended family & work – because I was being affected by others, I had realised that this was also affecting my children indirectly. Although I had the capacity to speak my mind, I always preferred to avoid confrontations. However, pushed into a corner I finally made my stand & drew my first line in the sand. But this was only on one front – there were others I was going to face & these fronts would take more than me just saying my peace & walking away. This would literally be me staring death in the face & conquering it. This was going to take more than I had within me, it was going to lead me in a whole new unexpected direction. It was going to take a miracle; it was going to take a dad finding & saving his daughter.

 Jan 2013 onwards

Sitting in my lounge at the end of another relentless day which nestled within years of a workload that never ceased, employed as a teacher in a system rapidly spiralling out of control, coming home each day to face yet more children & meet all of their needs, with a husband who had gone on a metaphorical detached walk-about, I actually wasn’t sure if I was even breathing. I couldn’t understand how I was ‘in this place’, how could I have achieved so much to be wondering if life was worth living – this was coming from someone who was used to facing adversity. I was bewildered. I sat in my lounge where I had always sought refuge from the storm of life that had become toxic from so many angles. Flicking silently through channels on TV in my spare 5 minutes of quiet time before bed a voice came through loud & clear. I had heard this voice once before, it was deep, it was beautiful & it said turn back to the channel I had just skipped past. So, I did. I was told that the actor looked similar to him & that he too had loved country music. The voice was suggesting that he had once been as handsome as a lead actor – said with accompanied laughter. It had been 10 years since by birthfather had passed away & here now in my lounge, he was showing me images in my head of when he was a young lad – the same age as my son. He kept relating what he was saying & showing me my son & explaining that he too had once been a sensitive little boy who took things to heart. Finally, through relating himself to my son I was able to feel what his experience was (Clairsentience). For the first time my tears started to flow & I let them cascade down naturally as he continued to chat to me. I didn’t know a great deal then about the official psychic world, but I knew something big had just occurred & I needed clarification & verification.

It didn’t take long to find a psychic medium who came highly recommended, working from home only taking on a few clients. I did not know this woman (we were much later to form a friendship) & she knew nothing of my background or even my name. I had never been to a psychic or had a reading so didn’t know what to expect but before I entered I took a deep breath & said to him “Terry if you really do exist somewhere can you let me know”. I planned on testing this lady & not giving away any details, even removing all expression on my face in case that encouraged her to follow a particular thread. It was now March 2013, 3 months after I had that interaction in my lounge & as I sat quietly ready to listen, she showed me what she had already written down. The name Stewart was written at the top & she made direct reference to the Scottish Stewart Clan, she asked if this had meaning. I said yes. She asked if the navy meant anything as she said it was a huge link. I said yes. In the months prior I had just established a natural relationship with my biological paternal Granddad. Before I met him I had kept assuming that my biological father had come from some sort of dysfunctional family, not fully realising he was part of a lovely South Island family, one of 6 children who had grown up on farms under the strong arms of Bill who had been a WW2 veteran in the navy. He had SKYPE requested me at the age of nearly 90 & so began a delightful unforced genuine relationship & friendship where I learned all about gardening & growing vegies as well as his war experiences while he learnt about 2 more of his great-grandchildren & me. Just as I wondered why my birthfather hadn’t ‘come through’ yet or first she carefully said that she had my dad waiting in the wings up to her right. I said no that my dad was most definitely alive (because my dad who raised me was, this was my way of trying to test her). She replied that he was being polite & letting others go first, that he was being very cautious as he didn’t want to overwhelm me straight away but he was busy telling/reminding everyone that I was his little girl (this made perfect sense in light of him having ‘given me away’ at birth – where I ended up having a different father) that he had his hands up cheering me on saying “That’s my girl” & that he was so very proud. Yes, this did overwhelm me. I will forever remain grateful to my Aunt who recognized when I contacted her, she was the one who would be able to confirm & verify much that was passed on. The parts that related directly to me that he could not possibly have known while alive or which occurred once he passed were so precise that I was speechless.

I wanted to know how he could exist? How he knew things. Where was he? And what did it mean that he “had done the work on the other side”. I needed to understand energy at a whole new level, one that I had never been taught before, one that I almost couldn’t conceive of, but over time I could get my head around. As I began my search for answers, I needed to know why this information was largely hidden. There were more questions than answers & yes this has everything to do with the rabbit hole that stretches far, deep & wide. All of this was coinciding with the Education Sector wanting more & more from its teachers with a more challenging playing field to contend with. More demands were placed on teachers shoulders with additional hoops to constantly jump through, but the more I researched, combined with beginning to use my new knowledge I started to become stronger again, day by day, week by week, month by month & I found my inner strength which would help me leave teaching & ultimately survive. Please note that sudden shocks & major ongoing trauma can also cause psychic abilities to open up. I immediately started to get my visions back, my messages, I was opening up my electromagnetic field again & rapidly shifting through the energy levels. I had always kept my empathy & intuitive skills but now everything was coming back online quickly but in the right, sensible & safe time frame. For every new piece of spiritual or metaphysical information I learnt I would deliberately cross check it, verify it & connect it to one of the many fields it belonged to e.g. military, religion, science, technology, history, political stage, judicial, health, media, corporation the list goes on. There was so much ground for me to cover & action to take if I was to create a very strong environment that would allow all of this to grow in a stable way. Full-time teaching & many people around me fell away. I needed to pull in my immediate family unit ~Fortify Your Family~ & I was going to reactivate all that I had known growing up plus so much more starting by learning the official terminology  ~Metaphysics In Action ~ reverting back to many modalities that I had once been interested in, easily bypassing what the collective in society were serving up ~Return To You~ . I rediscovered my own original methodologies in ~The Morphic Field~ whilst remaining fully aware of the many pitfalls to avoid ~Find Yourself Rarefied~ . ~There’s Another Way~ became the keystone holding together my first 8 packages . Then came 2019 & ~Walking Through Fire~ provided the opportunity to apply all that I had learnt during an intense year. Directly following this I had the chance to retrace my steps back to childhood & so came ~Providence & Treasure~ to honor these tender memories, finally gaining true freedom in every way as the year closed out through ~Vestiges & Remnants~. I suddenly had that elusive moment of spare time so I turned to look at the sad & unhealthy state of many relationships ~Respond & Retrieve~ & as a parent of adolescents I became concerned with the absurdness all around ~Coming Of Age~. I focused on maintaining my own nest ~Halcyon Retreat~ arranging my life to further reflect the energy I was aligning with. Five years had passed & I knew I was now safely in a place to turn to see how far I had come ~Far From Hell~ to experience the sensation of deep healing & to offer my silent appreciation & gratitude to the genuine & sincere teachers I was meeting while I maintained my relief teaching status. Throughout my 44 years I have met every type of adversary but in ~Just Walk Away~ I became even more selective & careful with who I remained available to & just how to keep those boundaries tight. ~Light Dwells Here~ captures where I am ‘at’ now. As 2020 moved into the early months of 2021 I was able to put pen to paper & draft ~Get Back Up~ to expose the undercurrent of people & circumstances that can try to take your legs out from beneath you.  It is an acknowledgement to those who took aim towards me that I tilt my hat in their direction as I walk on by ~ they indirectly taught me how to stand back up. During the past 5 years I was able to watch my two children grow & provide the shoulder they may have needed.  Having to survive an impossible decision spanning from 2020–2022 ~ Modern Day Triage ~, ~ Into The Desert ~ & ~The Great Clearing ~ were all penned & recorded at the same time but where not fully written until a year later. Together they contain my most meaningful expression when encountering extremely severe & serious crisis points ~ when the experience becomes seared on your soul. They are my triumphant salute at what I was able to achieve. Throughout this piece of writing I cannot attempt to cover all that I learnt, the best way to draw attention to the basics is to divide this material into three main areas. Firstly, some of what I noticed unfolding within society, secondly how metaphysics interweaves within everything & thirdly the personal adjustments I made as my knowledge expanded. These all overlap & inter-relate.

Societal

Through observing the Education System turning upside down & inside out I was able to see other sectors following suit. There was odd, unethical & concerning behaviour from a body of professionals. I watched deceit, competition, backstabbing, betrayal, cowardice, corruption, greed, nastiness, lying, bullying, out-right censorship, threats & special treatment of a few hand selected golden show ponies. Within families I saw the emergence of a form of extortion, manipulation, lying, cheating, jealousy & envy. Throughout the general populace I saw programmes running degeneration, degradation & the deterioration of standards enticing people to behave like idiots & being rewarded for this. I saw an attention deficit crisis where people of all ages subconsciously craved the spotlight. I saw an epidemic of emotional & mental health issues with concerning treatment & therapies offered. I saw the market for subscription drugs booming & being promoted as the quick fix to alleviate the cognitive dissonance that is escalating as people default to addictions as their crutch to get through the day. I saw the entertainment & sports industries sending out what I consider to be unusual subliminal messages. I saw a proliferation of many depending on authorities to tell them what to do with the absence of personal responsibility. I saw where people ‘were at’ in terms of their breaking points & inability to make sensible decisions. In general I saw systemic cracks everywhere & started to term this “same-same-different”. Same issues faced by many only the settings were different.

Metaphysics

I began to ‘ground in’ to Earth’s energy & open up my subtle body’s energy field, this time in a state of freedom releasing all fears. I learnt to set up & hold energetic boundaries, cut tethers/hooks/chords while learning how to sense when others still try to attach themselves even at an etheric level. I began to transmit & receive daily downloads & messages working now as a conduit establishing a wonderfully distinct, potent & powerful channel. All of my ‘Clair’ abilities heightened along with my natural healing tools. With a clear head & reduced workload I was able to synthesize the information I was researching to group together similar aspects to structure & format my writing to explain what this is all about. Most stunning was my ability to move through space & time while remaining in an awake & conscious state to now specialise in this delicate area. Once I gained expertise over my own personal psychic field, I focused again on Earth’s natural state pulling my geology & physical geography back into play – only this time from a new approach focusing on Earth’s energy centres, lay-lines & energy girds. I learnt all about particle physics, quantum mechanics, state of matter & how historically this knowledge was known, taught & used in the hands of those capable. How it had been systematically ‘removed’ over time & used to supress & subjugate people through recent history. Weaponizing many metaphysical characteristics.

On a personal level

I realised that the times we are living in equate to a minefield & it was up to me to start guiding my family through & away from the pitfalls. I started to organise my own physical environment, once again for me that was to finish up teaching (a highly emotional challenge for me to overcome) & to set about creating my own sanctuary for my family unit to thrive. I connected to all things that fuelled my life & removed anyone who negatively impacted on me. I learnt how to hop off other people’s bumpy rides. I was in alignment ethically with what I felt personally right for me. I built my own original business moving through each stage organically using only content sourced by myself. I refined & refined until I had set about blazing my own trail. I love helping others find their own way, however I continually need to remind people of two essential pillars I stand by – go slow & use your discernment. If you have dependents, a relationship that you value or a career that you wish to maintain than you must move through this at a suitable pace. Rushing, forcing, or becoming desperate will not work. Neither will demanding it all to happen. Find a steady pace that allows for each energy shift to unfold naturally & the reconfiguration process that takes place after each one to settle or you will fall off the edge very quickly. Secondly within the spiritual community just because someone looks the part, speaks the part & even acts the part does not mean they are capable of tapping into your energy field safely. Take your time finding the right person to work with you. It has taken me 6-7 years of daily learning in some capacity – some days it was practical, other days it was research. Do not expect it to be handed to you on a platter or think you can buy your way through it. You will be tested for sure. In its purest form this is a natural emanation, a flow, a current which deserves respect. So take your time & do this thoroughly.

~ Many years ago I had thought I was lost – but I found my way home ~